Showing posts with label codependence. Show all posts
Showing posts with label codependence. Show all posts

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Clericalism: The Elephant in the Parlor




An airing of concerns: 

(This posting from thesuburbanhunter is reprinted on my blog because it addresses the issue of Clericalism with refreshing honesty.

Clericalism is a huge but unattended problem in the Church. To attend to the problem, we have to stop denying its existence, face it squarely, and start putting into words what we see. The experience is akin to exploring a new territory without a map. You draw the map as you go along, learning the right direction to go in after following paths that lead nowhere. 

Truth has a way of revealing itself to us when we allow it to take us over.)


This entry has absolutely nothing to do with hunting. I wrote the below entry in the wake of the Msgr. Wallin scandal breaking in the Diocese of Bridgeport. Compared to the open airing of the Church's documents in the Archdiocese of LA, that is small potatoes. However, more mistakes are being made, including right now in New Jersey, and the unhealthy root cause of these issues is not being addressed. The unhealthy root cause of the issue is the clerical culture of the Church, which is at this time dysfunctional, and the problem needs to be addressed with bravery and honesty. My words mean very little. In fact, they mean nothing. However, I feel many faithful Catholics are feeling this way, and we need the courage to say it.

Clericalism and Msgr. Wallin

The demands of an authentic and healthy love require us, when we see dysfunction in those we love, to speak out. Now, in the Church, is one of those times. Now in the society at large is one of those times. There are too many irresponsible voices, too much noise, and not enough discernment and careful thought. It is time for change.

The vast majority of the priests in this state (and everywhere) are amazing men. I in no way wish to cause them pain, and my concerns are not in any way about them.  My concern involves a problem bigger than us all.  This problem materialized most recently in the sad story of Msgr. Wallin in the Diocese of Bridgeport, but the problem has a history which stretches back to many cases of tragically ignored, denied, or hidden abuse of minors by priests. However, it is not just about sex abuse, which has been thankfully been tamped down. It is also about finances, and Church governance, and the role of the laity.

How could problems or hints of serious things amiss among our clergy be ignored, or if not ignored, somehow tragically mishandled, again?  And again? And again? 

I believe that clericalism is at the core of our dysfunctional response to these challenges.

What is clericalism? Does it exist? Is it a problem? As lay people do we even have a right to think about it, let alone write about it?  Are we lay people a part of the problem, somehow unhealthily relating to and encouraging a dysfunctional ecclesial environment?

I think the answer to these questions is that yes, clericalism most certainly does exist. Yes, it is probably the greatest challenge facing the Church in the United States today. As lay people we participate in it and even thrive on it in a codependent and dysfunctional way, so we not only have a right, but a duty, to think about it, name it, and write about it. If we don't we will simply continue to see scandal heaped on scandal until the Church's message and witness to the culture becomes entirely irrelevant.

Let's begin with what clericalism is not. Clericalism is not the teaching authority of the Church, nor is it the role of bishops as successors to the apostles, nor is it the sacramental character of the Church. That authority is essential to a healthy Christian understanding of the world, and it centrally important to the functioning of the Church. We cannot do well in the world apart from the body of Christ, which is the Church. Neither is clericalism the notion that priests are changed by virtue of their ordination. Clericalism is not the male only priesthood, which is something the Popes have said is ordained by Christ and impossible to change.

The constant demands to change these things (which have been ongoing since 1400AD) have perhaps made the Church increasingly defensive. It may be this defensiveness that has given rise to the thing called clericalism that is doing such damage. In and of themselves however, clericalism they are not.

If the aforementioned characteristics of the Church are not clericalism, then what is?  Clericalism is the viewpoint that priests and clergy are the center of the Church, and everyone else is passively along for the ride, offering adoring and silent prayer support for our heroes. We laity are the disposable "bit players" in salvation history. The "real" Church is the priests.  Clericalism is the viewpoint that laity are not to think, question, write, ponder, or take action towards injustice when an injustice is perceived within the Church. Clericalism is the viewpoint that the laity are not fit to comment on or participate in parish finances, or make reasoned complaints when there is a legitimate reason to criticize. Perhaps most nefarious, clericalism is the viewpoint that priests and Bishops are essential, while laity are incidental, or even disposable.

This is not just a religious problem though, and we Catholics are not special. Clericalism's counterpart in the secular United States is the celebrity culture, which turns otherwise mature people into passive observers of other people's melodrama, taking sides and cheering from the sidelines. Secularists chose their own cults and their own tribes, with their own "plaster saints." This is not a religious problem, but a maturity problem. It is self evident to this observer that social media only exacerbates our collective codependence and celebrity worship, and makes it worse.

Yet, that cannot be an excuse.

The response of many in the Diocese of Bridgeport to the Msgr. Wallin scandal has been more of the same. We are told to pray about it. Move on. Nothing to see here. Isn't it sad? Support out priests! The poor man! All of this as if there is not a crying need for change and reform that seems so blatantly obvious to everyone except those most inside the Church.

The way that the diocese has responded to this situation is broken, and is indicative of a broken culture. It is a culture that is still broken, desperately so, and despite the scandals to rock our Church, there have been no meaningful cultural changes to the way we look at and think about the priesthood. Yes, there are new reporting procedures in place. As a Catholic father I feel my children are very safe at Church functions and with Church personnel. But as the case of Msgr. Wallin (and other situations) clearly shows, our reflecting on this topic has not gone deep enough, and the meaningful discussions that are called for are not occurring.

My initial response to reading about Msgr. Wallin was to say that Archbishop of Baltimore, William Lori, and his predecessor, Edward Egan, are somewhat at fault for this situation. By failing to address situations such as Msgr. Wallin’s in a forthright and functional way, both men have engaged in scandalous conduct that diminishes the moral authority they hold. Therefore, I felt that Bishop Lori, at a minimum, had a duty to apologize and address the situation. The reaction to this surprised me.

I know many who read this will accuse me of being uncharitable towards our shepherds, and are feeling very defensive of our Church. We all have our fears right now. If the Church were persecuted, I pray I would have the temerity to suffer whatever trials would come, and not lose my identity or fidelity to our Catholic faith. The Church faces an increasingly hostile culture, one that elevates the immoral and calls it moral. (Abortion is the greatest example of this cultural decay.) Yet, I firmly believe that we need to move past the point of being defensive, and instead be proactive. The time for change has come.

There is a reason why we must move, and act. That reason is love. Love requires us to name that which is dysfunctional. Love requires us to deal with reality. It requires us to be open, and honest, as opposed to secretive and conniving. The time has come for change.

For those non-Catholics reading this trying to make sense of it, the first thing to understand is that the priesthood is not a job. We are not protestants. The clergy are not in a profession. The priesthood is a vocation. Becoming a priest isn't like becoming an employee somewhere. Rather, it is like getting married.Thus it is different than speaking about how we deal with employees and employers.

In discussing the nature and potential solutions to clericalism and its ensuing dysfunction within the Church, a parallel should be made.  The parallel is not how an organization should treat an employee, but rather how a family will treat a member: how a spouse will treat a wife or husband.

If this is the case, then I think it is clear that the Church in the case of Msgr. Wallin, under the leadership of now Archbishop Lori, operated very much like a dysfunctional family would. Let's look at Wallin's actions from the point of view of the marriage vocation.

Let's assume a hypothetical husband sinned against his marriage the way Msgr. Wallin did against his vows.

Said husband would have a) cheated on his wife b) started doing drugs. c) possibly started dealing drugs around the kids, d) been (at the very least) verbally and emotionally abusive towards all of them.

This is an exact parallel.

To mimic the actions of the Diocese of Bridgeport regarding Msgr. Wallin said wife would a) say nothing at first... definitely keep it quiet from friends and family to avoid embarrassment and scandal. b) fight DCF actions to protect the children, c) complain about an aggressive nation state when the government tried to take custody, arguing to all who would listen that her family was being persecuted. d) maybe send her husband away for a little while, and give him some money too... just until it all blew over.

That is, to put it mildly, a dysfunctional response.

What the hypothetical wife (the Church) could have done:

Separated from her husband immediately and take the kids with her. Immediately reached out to her support network, and her (and his, depending on her relationship with them, their level of codependency and self-delusion etc.) family. Assuming he wasn't a danger to her, she could have scheduled an intervention to get everything out in the open. SHe could have sought means of doing all this where she would be safe, relying on charities and shelters or family members.

She would then set up a plan to move forward. To heal the marriage, the husband would have to agree to substance abuse counseling, psychological counseling, and oversight while swearing to never touch drugs again. If he refused or denied he had a problem, she should walk away, even call the police and inform them of his illegal activities (as anyone who has experienced addiction knows, it is necessary to first hit “rock bottom” before one is able to admit and desire help and sobriety.)

 This is hard. A Christian would always keep the door open to reconciliation and true reform (being a Christian is not easy)  But it would be the right thing to do. Would some family members attack her? Would some people in his (or even her) family stand with him and call her all sorts of vicious names?  Would she have to go through hell?  Would people talk?  Would it be embarrassing? Yes, yes, yes.... But she would be doing the right thing for the right reasons.

There are few actions more painful than an intervention such as this. I know because I have seen them first hand. They also have the power to transform and change lives and heal families. I have seen this too.  Courageously loving actions like these have the power to restore sobriety, and sanity, in people.

The case of Msgr. Wallin shows a Church failing to function. It is easy to, after the fact, criticize what those in authority have done. However, in a case such as this, what the Church should have done, just based on the information they had, seems very different to what they ended up doing.

Any of the following actions, or all of them together, could have been much more heathy for the Church in the long run.

Msgr. Wallin could have been suspended immediately when his conduct came to light. Diocesan leadership (the Bishop) could have gone to the parish, and come as clean as possible with the people. Leaders could have asked Wallin's flock to pray for him, and let them know that he was suspected of habitually breaking his vows in a very serious way, serious enough to merit this disciplinary action. The Bishop could have said that Msgr. Wallin was leaving his responsibilities to them for days and days at a time, and that such things were not acceptable, thus he was being removed from ministry for the time being.

This hypothetical course of action stands in stark contrast to telling the community that Msgr. Wallin was granted a "sabbatical" for time to “think”. A sabbatical is what you grant to a college professor who is writing a book, not someone who has scandalously broken their commitments to employer, let alone a priest who has abused the trust of his flock!

Leaders could have explained that, for privacy, parishioners would not be informed of what Wallin had actually done at this time. In all honesty they could have at that time assured parishioners that to the best of their knowledge, no laws were broken, and no children were in danger. However, an investigation could have been ongoing, including a thorough audit of all parish finances.  Would this really have disquieted the faithful?  OR could such honesty and communication assured the faithful that the Church was still functioning despite the struggles of one of its priests. 

 Msgr. Wallin could have been placed on "administrative leave" pending the results of said investigation, and a canon lawyer provided to him to advise him and protect him while the Diocese aggressively worked to leave no stone unturned in its investigation. Should he have refused to submit to all this and walked away? Payments from the diocese could have been stopped, and the process started for laicization.

This isn't rocket science. It is basic oversight of persons in responsibility 101. If the Bishop (or Diocesan officials) actually took such action, maybe they could have nipped the drug dealing in the bud, and actually have helped the man.

If the Church was acting like a functional family, and a highly functional spouse, their actions would have been very different from the codependent "sweep it under the rug and don't rock the boat" course they took. The Church right now is like a dysfunctional co-dependent family and that must stop.

It is therefore past time for a cultural change. The biggest thing preventing us from becoming a more functional family: clericalism.

If priests and clergy are the center of the Church, and everyone else is passively along for the ride, offering adoring and silent prayer support for our heroes, then we will seek to defend our heroes no matter what, even when what is needed is soul searching and some movement towards real change.  We will try and protect ourselves when priests fall by pretending they don't. We will not take appropriate action when behavior such as Msgr. Wallin's first comes to light.

If the laity are not to think, question, write, ponder, or take action towards injustice when an injustice is perceived within the Church, then clergy, who are human beings, will take the path of least resistance, doing whatever is comfortable, and that means not taking bold action and making life hard for themselves. Situations like Msgr. Wallin's will be handled quietly, in ways to "avoid scandal." If the laity are not fit to direct parish finances, or make reasoned complaints when there is a legitimate reason to criticize, then priests can do whatever they want with the money we give them, including spending it on questionable endeavors, or worse, misappropriating it. If only priests and Bishops are essential, while laity are incidental, or even disposable, then what does it matter what laity think or say? They are just along for the ride anyway.

How much open communication do we truly have in our Church? Do the Bishops you know deal with criticism in a healthy manner? If we write or call with a concern, do they or a representative even respond? Is there anything like a "two way street" when it comes to communication and openness?

How do we change? Here is the mature answer: I don't know. I only know it is time for a conversation to occur about how we relate to each other as the Church. We need to start asking questions about why these things keep happening. This is more than just policies and procedures; we have done and are doing that, and things HAVE gotten better from that perspective. But there is still something deeply dysfunctional at our core. Everything, from seminary formation, and especially what psychological training and counseling are required (and not required) needs to be looked at closely as we move forward. Lay formation needs to be addressed. Catechetical programs and their emphasis need to be examined. We need to do soul searching. Something isn't working. I don't care what side of the ideological Catholic divide one is on, everyone should be able to agree that right now there is something dysfunctional here. For love of our Church, the body of which every one of us is a member, isn't it time to address it?

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Clericalism Part Three: Priestly Office and Person


 Co-dependence: The (Con)fusion of Priestly Office and Person
In the not too distant past the social and religious environment colluded to keep the priest coddled and comfortable because of his office and status.  Salary, stipends, pension plan, standard of living, medical insurance, rectory living, vacations, social standing, in short all he needed was handed to him on a silver platter with ordination. Only Grace could keep it from going to his head. Eventually he would get seduced by the arrangement and take advantage of it to some degree or another. Those who serve the greater cause live off the cause they serve. This seems to be a natural corruption of Christ’s saying that the laborer is worthy of his hire.  As the popular quotation by Lord Acton reminds us, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely”. Nature, especially weak human nature, takes the course of least resistance.

             Office and the person fuse into one in the person of the priest. Priest and people may be aware of the distinction between the office and person in theory, but that does not mean they apply it in reality. Clericalism conditioned people to see Father as more than what he was as a person because of his office, and treat him as more. The priest was going to see himself as more than what he was because of his office and think he was more. This idealization on both sides led to the privileges and honors of Clericalism, and eventually to rage and resentment when its bankruptcy was exposed. How could the priest not think he was more than he was, when the society and culture inflated his ego balloon and puffed him up? How could the laity not feel betrayed and angry when he did not live up to their expectations? True, he the priest should have had more sense to begin with. But the red carpet treatment is heady, intoxicating, and seductive.
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All noble professions become sacred cows at one time or another. Successful doctors, lawyers, statesmen, teachers, etc. are presumed to be worthy of esteem and respect because of the profession they are in. There is naturally shock and scandal when an idolized person is shown to have clay feet. People rightly get angry when the banker or financier they thought honest is found guilty of embezzling funds. Understandably, the anger turns into rage when the perpetrator is a priest who betrays the people’s trust by sexually abusing minors. But something more is involved than the fall of an idol.

The sexual nature of the crime, the fact that a priest is the perpetrator, the betrayal of a sacred trust, the lifelong harm done to the individuals who have been abused, all these contribute to the public outrage. Yet I believe another factor also comes into play and it is all the more influential because it is the least recognized: The widely used, socially acceptable defense mechanism of Clericalism has broken down.  The spiritual Berlin Wall is blown to pieces. No insulation remains to protect people from the intrusion of the Divine. This creates a fury against the clergy. The problem is not only the sin and the crime, nor the harm it has done, but that the sin demolishes the buffer zone, the last cultural defense, between man and God.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

St. Paul: Playing with Prepositions

                                           
                                          Part One: Some reflections on in, from, to, and with 
St. Paul has a unique way of using prepositions to move us into right relationship with God and one another. Religion’s role is to teach us how to relate correctly, while codependence is a dysfunctional way of relating.  Prepositions are insignificant parts of speech, compared with more important words such as nouns and verbs. God is always turning matters upside down and inside out by making the insignificant into the important. Nobodies are always chosen to be his somebodies.  St. Paul tells us that God uses the weak to shame the strong, and the foolish to shame the wise. In fact, God chooses what is lowly and despised to bring to nothing the things that are something ( see I Cor.  1:27 -28). St Paul is imitating God, we might say, by not using nouns and verbs exclusively to help us into right relationship, but prepositions, (the nobodies of the Grammar Book), to help us get into the continual conversion process our religion calls for.                 
 St. Paul’s perception of himself is equally humble and therefore wonderful. Paul never calls himself a theologian. He refers to himself as an “apostle”, seemingly a proud title, but its basic meaning in Greek is probably what Paul is proud of. And that meaning is "to be sent as an ambassador of someone else," namely Christ. Paul also calls himself “a slave of Jesus Christ”. He does not belong to himself but to His Master.  As Christ’s property, Paul does what he is told to do, namely preach the Gospel to the Gentiles. His slavery is freely embraced, and in fact is what enables him to be sent all over as an apostle.  It was a glorious vocation, but the glory of it came through the suffering involved in carrying it out. 
 Part of the marvel of Paul is his use of prepositions as a way of gaining entry to the Mystery of God that is in Christ.  His aim was to get real people to know Jesus Christ.  Paul used everyday examples and metaphors taken from their lived experience and daily conflicts in order to introduce them to spiritual realities beyond their imagining. Through his letters, Paul changed the way the people of his day saw reality, and the way they related to one another and God. In doing so he laid the foundations of Christian civilization in what would centuries later be Europe.   That is a stunning achievement, all the more astounding, when we realize that Paul had no idea what he was accomplishing. All he wanted to do was write a few letters to a few scattered communities. He had no idea of the impact his words would have on us centuries later. If he had, he probably would have been more careful of how he expressed himself. Paul’s Master, Jesus Christ did with Paul what Paul could never have hoped to achieve had he been pursuing his own agenda. Our Lord used Paul to change peoples’ thinking, feeling, behaving, in short, how they saw themselves in relation to Christ's message. By following Paul, people would move from codependence to interdependence, from tribalism to Church, or in the terms Paul uses, from death to life, from sin to grace, from slavery to freedom, in Christ Jesus.
Prepositions ably express various styles of codependence, and also concisely state the interdependence we care called to. In addition, prepositions illustrate the journey from one state of being to another.  Prepositions help us to see whatever we are stuck in, to look beyond it towards what we are being called to, and to go with the flow of grace moves us to cooperate. But they are so insignificant that they do not win our attention by themselves. Prepositions are humble servants that do not try to be noticed. All they want is to be part of the process of freeing us and helping us grow. Perhaps St. Paul should be named the patron saint of prepositions.  For, like John the Baptist, Paul goes before the Lord. Preparing the way for Christ, Paul positions himself before the people not as their savior, but as a slave of Christ.  Paul incarnates the meaning of the term pre-position by helping all who will listen to him to relate to God and man in Christ Jesus.

Friday, April 6, 2012

PART FOUR

The Cross
Christian community is based on the mutual support we as Church give to one another through prayer, donations, worship, fellowship, study, the sacraments and service.  This is the lifelong process of loving one another in Christ.  Those last two words “in Christ”   sum up the mystery of the Church very concisely, and need more explanation. For me, the symbol that best explains our identity as Christ’s Church is the Cross.
The horizontal beam of the Cross represents Christ reaching out to embrace all humanity in endless self gift. The vertical beam stands for his offering of himself to the Father to save us.  When we sign ourselves with the Cross, or when a priest blesses us with the Cross and we in turn bless ourselves, we 1) express our faith in Christ’s saving death; 2) call upon its power to save us; 3) commit to live out its saving  power in the oblation we make through our Christian lives. Without the Cross, our suffering is wasted. With the Cross, our suffering is redemptive. The Church is the Family of God taking up the Cross because it is first taken up by it.
The power of the Cross enables us to grow from codependence to interdependence.  It is helpful for us believers to use those two terms, which are not religious, even though our growth is religious activity and a spiritual reality.  The reason why is that “codependence” and “interdependence” are not yet overly loaded words nor empty clichés. (Religious terms have a way of becoming both, probably the latter as a result of being the former.) As somewhat neutral words, codependence and interdependence can help us to see our religious beliefs in a fresh way. We thereby avoid the pitfall of thinking we understand beforehand everything we are talking about, or thinking we are talking about a lot of nothing. Thus “codependence” and “interdependence” become a means of applying to ourselves what Christ accomplishes for us by his dying and rising.  While Christ on the Cross catches us up in himself and brings us to his Father in his gift of himself, the dynamic of the Cross does not reoccur in us unless we freely embrace Him. Christ’s humble, self sacrificing love is freely given, and has to be received in the same manner.  This does not mean merely that we thank Him for his generosity, but that we enter into his sacrificial self giving.  We cannot receive what He has to give unless we are prepared to continue handing on what He offers us by our own self sacrifice.
God is self-giving love. He is incapable of not giving Himself away.  Christ’s Cross contains the Father’s self-gift as well as his own outpouring of self as the Father’s Son. Thus the Cross communicates to us their Spirit of Oneness who makes us capable of union with one another by giving ourselves away. Husband and wife live out of this love by their sacrifice of themselves for each other, and for their children. Their self-gift results in their growth into a deeper realization of their own identities.  Through his self-gift the man becomes a father and therefore more of a man; the woman, a mother and therefore more of a woman. The new being of each demonstrates to us the fruitfulness of self-giving love, and is the pattern we follow in the Church as the Family of God, as we father, mother, brother and sister one another in the Christian Life. The self-gift of the Triune God through the Cross of Christ makes us into the Family of God. The Cross calls us continually grow into who we are by continuously giving away the Love we are receiving, The only way to receive the gift is to keep giving it. The only way to give it is in our self giving which opens us to keep receiving more and more of God’s endless outpouring. This is the dynamic of Life in Christ as the Family of God through the power of the Cross.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Me...You... Everyone! is the Codependent Person

 1. The challenge of Life is to grow from codependence to interdependence.  Consider this assertion: to love you correctly, I have to grow from a loving based on neediness to a loving based on appreciation. Do you find this statement true? Love means I want what is good for you, not that I want you for my use. Do I love you, or do I love the way you satisfy my needs?  Or perhaps I love your need for me? Maybe you satisfy my need to be needed?  What happens if you grow to the point where you don’t need me?  Will I rejoice in your development?  Will I love you for being the person you are? When we are acting out of needs we refuse to recognize or admit, we become more and more codependent.  When we decide to give and receive the love we need based on our respect for our mutual dignity as persons, we become the interdependent members of God’s family that we were meant to be.
 2. The Price We Pay for Relationships. There is a Woody Allen story that helps us see what we are willing to pay for whatever love we get in life:  Man goes into the psychiatrist’s office and says, “Doc, I have a problem. My brother thinks he is a chicken.” The doctor says, “That’s crazy. Tell him he’s not!” The man says, “I would, doc, but I need the eggs.”  BINGO!  That hits the nail on the head. Codependency is the price we pay for relationships. It is the basic substratum of any and every relationship, even the most healthy, sane, and spiritually graced friendship. Why? Because, no matter who we are, we never get beyond our basic neediness. Needs are not something we have, but are. Our needs are endless, infinite, and insatiable, because need is the core of our created being.
3. Right and Wrong Ways of Loving our Neighbors and Ourselves.  Consider the commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself.  That means I have to get beyond myself, deny myself, give myself away.  But it means first I have to develop a self to give away. I have to grow to some kind of maturity, whatever that is.  The trouble is that I can’t wait till I become mature to start loving, I have to start loving before I have myself together, before I acquire any degree of self awareness and self possession.  So I am going to get it wrong long before I ever learn to get it right.   What’s worse, the wrong will appear right because I will not know that I am acting out of needs I do not recognize. This is why we end up hurting ourselves and hurting others while thinking we are doing the right thing and loving them as we ought. We develop a style, pattern, or habit of relating that is counter-productive,  self destructive, and mutually harmful, all in the process of getting to the point where we are capable of understanding what the love is that we are called to.
Inevitably, I do end up “loving” my neighbor as myself, because the self love that is in me gets inflicted on him. In my case, that self love ends up being an invisible barrier of self hate that moves me to relate to the other person incorrectly. You may doubt that this is true.  I did. I thought being good or bad were two even choices, and we could go for one as easily as the other. Experience has shown me that the bad in us ends up affecting and coloring the good we do.  Why? Because we naturally do what is wrong with more of a readiness than we do what is right. I base my argument on my experience of growing up in a family.
 4. How a basic personality style develops:   The following childhood memory may illustrate the transformation:
 My brother and I are sitting at the kitchen table finishing our dinner. Mom gives us each a piece of pie for dessert. I look at his piece and say to her, “You gave him more than you gave me.”  A three way squabble starts. She tries to persuade me that she is being fair,   while he complains that I am always picking on him, and I start insisting that we trade pieces.  This nonsense continues till my dad  steps back into the kitchen and tells me that if I don’t shut up and eat my pie, he will eat it for me and I won’t have any dessert at all. Rather than risk that, I do as he says. But I am far from happy.  I put my face down and pout as I fork the pie into my mouth, scarcely tasting it. I am tempted to kick my brother under the table, but my dad is still there. Better to wait and get even with him later on.  There will be endless opportunities, especially when we alone in the bedroom later that night with no parent around to see which one of us started what….
                     Now, here is my “psychoanalysis” of that everyday situation. My sense of injustice isn’t really aroused because his piece may be a little bit bigger than mine. I just want more pie.  Call it greed, gluttony, selfishness, or whatever you want. I want more, and any excuse will do. Whatever the underlying motive,  I use my desire for more as the reason to raise a ruckus over nothing and  afterwards convince myself  that I am one hundred percent right. When I don’t get what I end up acting angry and resentful at my brother, and mother and father as well.  Then, when I have calmed down a bit, I can see that I really was making a big deal over nothing and should have behaved better.  But at that point I can’t admit it. Maybe it’s pride, or pigheaded stubbornness, or both. But again, what does it matter?  What does matter is that now I feel a twinge of guilt or shame for the way I behaved, but would rather die than say so. This also complicates the situation. 
That brief moment when I am a little mad at myself for being such a big baby is, I think, where self-hate enters the picture. That bad feeling, (call it guilt, shame, or remorse) means something inside me is waking me up to the fact that I am acting against myself, against what my insides tell me is right.  It is something I don’t want to face, because it is humiliating. It is a feeling of me not liking me because of my behavior. If I acknowledge this feeling to myself I will end up by having to acknowledge it to everyone else too. I will look stupid to them, and that will be much worse than being stupid without their knowledge. (Don’t look stupid. Looking bad is worse than being bad.) This personal self-disapproval is the seed from which the hate will grow, if I bury the feeling deep enough and water it by continual self- deception. The more I deaden this inner stirring that tells me I am wrong by continuing to insist  to myself and others that I am always right, the stronger the self-hate in me will become.  And I won’t even recognize the disharmony inside myself.  The disharmony itself will feel normal and become part of my style.
All the bad I do will get done in the guise of  being good to myself and treating myself right, while on this  deeper level I am acting badly and treating myself  and others wrong.    I will proceed through life to make my burden bigger, or heavier. How? By adding an ounce of guilt, a teaspoon of shame, a tablespoon of anger and resentment, and stirring the mixture up in a cup of stubbornness   whenever I fail to get my way.   The more I bake these ingredients together in the sauce of self deceit and pride, the larger the loaf of self-hate becomes and the more fuel I have for future disagreements.  That’s quite an accomplishment for a little kid who begins by just wanting more pie.  This is not the only way self-love feeds into self-hate, but the way I specialize in. We all have our own ways to do the same thing, based on our personality style.
5. Our Heart’s Movements and our Personality. There are three basic movements of the heart, summed up by the humble prepositions, towards, away from, and against.  In my example, I was being somewhat aggressive towards my brother, i.e. moving “against” him.  Why? To get what I wanted.  Another way to get what I wanted would be to try to please him and get him to like me more.  (That would have been mom’s style.) Kill him with kindness, so to speak. That way he would end up wanting to give me his pie, and feel guilty if he didn’t.  I didn’t have the patience or the inclination to try this technique. It would have taken too much time even if it did work. Being nice is not the usual style of brothers, or boys in general. My first impulse was always to bicker and fight to get what I wanted.  My second was to draw back, or move “away from” if the movement ‘against’ didn’t work.  Moving away from doesn’t usually get us what we want either. It is a defensive posture, a way of protecting ourselves from getting hurt. It works for the moment, but not in the long run because it isolates us from others and prevents real communication.  Given my basic instinct to fight or flight, and of resorting to first one and then the other, it was a long time before I learned to move “towards” another in anything like real caring.  My kindness was more a phony politeness, a way of getting along and avoiding conflict, not a way of pleasing the other person by doing what was right and good out of concern for him.  But I was able to see that some people really did care for others and genuinely move towards them in a sincere effort to please.
                I could also see how caring for others could end up in manipulating and/or being manipulated.   Momma did that all the time.  She often had a pity party and bemoaned the fact that my brother and I didn’t appreciate everything she was doing for us. Of course we didn’t. Our chief form of recreation was to amuse ourselves by discovering new ways to drive her crazy. If she wanted kids who were going to please her, she should have had girls instead of boys!  When we told her that, the results were more confusing than ever.  We boys felt she was trying to glue us to her, cling and cloy, control and smother, all in the name of doing her job and being a good mother. Yes, she was moving towards, but it was too much towards, excessive, and it had the effect of reinforcing our resistance and moving us to push her away. And this, of course, she interpreted as rejection. All the melodrama took place in our young minds and hearts with very little degree of self awareness as to who was acting out of what needs or why.  It was just part of growing up, part of life. I guess we were developing into what I later learned to call a dysfunctional family.  It’s what happens when we develop a style of relating based on moving towards, away from and against, in a way that is too much or too little.  We all build up behavior patterns of doing these three movements of the heart wrong before we realize what we are doing, and then spend our lives trying to get them right.  The wrong way feels normal to us, while the right does not.
                Throughout my life, I will expect that they, the people who are the objects of my “love”  satisfy my needs, never make me face my shortcomings or look bad,  agree that I am right, calm my fears, fulfill my desires, and be responsible for ensuring my complete happiness.   Unless corrected, the dynamic continues till death.  It means I want to make myself into God for the other person, or want the other person to be God for me.  The situation works either way, me idolizing someone else, or someone else idolizing me. It also works both ways at once, and with more than one partner, depending on how complicated our codependent collusion has become. The one unpardonable sin is for the other persons to point out my neediness to me, or expose their basic level of need to me.  Such naked honesty would pull me out of my comfort zone and be the first step towards Christian love.  I too have to careful not to tease anyone and break our tacit promise not to mention hidden faults. One heedless word, and the bubble of false peace bursts. It is much easier (and a lot less painful) to collude with others, and have them wordlessly contract to collude with us by “loving one another” within the sick styles that have shaped our personalities. Be happy with the eggs we get, even if they are rotten. 
                6.  Our Need for God to Move our Hearts beyond our Needs: Too often, psychology can be a substitute for spirituality instead of a means to spiritual growth.  “Go see a shrink and get your head on straight”.   There is a world of difference between that advice and “Get yourself a spiritual director so you can begin to see what God is calling you to be and do.”  The first presupposes you are in control, and the second that you are not. But I may need to do the first as a way of getting to the second.  However, psychological health is not the same as spiritual holiness.   I can be psychologically unhealthy, neurotic, depressed, etc. and still grow in God’s grace. Growing in His grace may help me psychologically, but the basic character defects my neediness expresses itself in, are going to remain in me.  My growth in holiness consists not in denying or ignoring them, but in exposing them to the healing rays of God’s mercy.  That way the stumbling blocks become stepping stones. His power is best manifested in our weakness. That’s what our weakness is for.
 Saint Paul helps us to get it right (or maybe less wrong).  “Owe no one anything except to love one another.” (Romans 13:8)I do not owe you anything but the love God commands of me. I do not have to make you happy, tell you that you are right when you are wrong, reinforce your suspicions and fears, lie to you about your self-deceit, or pander to your narcissism. I do not have to live up to your expectations of me, or define myself by your reactions to me. I do not have to live for your approval not wither and die if you withhold your praise. Nor do you owe me any of that nonsense.
                   “With me it is a very small thing that I should be judged by you, or by any human court. I do not even judge myself.  I am not aware of anything against myself, but I am not thereby acquitted. It is the Lord who judges me.  Therefore do not pronounce judgment before the time.” (I Cor. 4:3-5) Strange as it may seem to us, Paul could care less what anyone thinks of him. He is not being contrary or acting like a curmudgeon. He is actually being supremely humble and charitable. The only opinion important to Paul is Christ’s. What does Christ think of him? That is the only thing that matters.
 Why do what others think mean so much to us? Why do we base our lives on their opinions of us, their praise or disapproval? It comes down to our basic neediness. After his conversion Paul had profound awareness of his needs because he always and only saw himself in relation to Christ.  So he did not live out of his delusions, desires and self deceptions. He lived out of his relationship to our Lord. From that center he had the proper perspective from which to relate, live with and love everyone and everything the right way. If we get out relationship with Him right, we will relate to everyone else correctly. In fact, “we will be able to be all things to all men” not because we have become experts at playing games with everyone, but because we have learned to love them with Christ’s love.