John The Beloved Disciple

John the beloved disciple, when speaking of himself in his Gospel, never calls himself by name, but always identifies himself as “the one whom Jesus loved.”  Usually a name is what gives us some identity as a person. Our first name, and last, points out to others who we are. Of course we are more than those two names put together. An infinite number of other factors could be mentioned to identify us, such as gender, family, nationality, culture, work, friendships, education, etc. Yet no matter how many identifying facts are mentioned, the person I am is never adequately or fully described. We are more than their sum total. Why? It is because at root, and also in the last analysis, our name, who-we-are, is a relationship with the Infinite.

The Ever More (than I am) gave me the gift of life and called me into being. He sustains and maintains me as I journey through this life. He is the goal and destiny of my existence. He is my future right now and will be when there is no longer any such thing as created time. That is why John’s identifying himself as the-one-whom-Jesus-loved fits him as a God-given name, for it is a perfectly complete and full description of all John ever was historically and is now eternally. He is called into being by Love, sustained by Love and inspired by Love as he lives on earth, and taken up into the fullness of Love’s life and light in the Resurrection.

Safe to say, we are defined by our relationships, and especially by our relationship with Christ, the Son of God, in whom for whom and through whom all things are made.He gives consistency to everything. Somehow, our relationships with everyone else are relationships in Him. Ultimately, when all is said and done, how He identifies us, or, our identity in Him, is the only thing that matters.

So John is not emotionally overwrought, nor a sloppy sentimentalist, nor some awestruck hero-worshipper, when he uses his relationship with Christ to explain who he, John, truly is. Relationship with the God-man is the only precisely accurate measure and definition of John, and of each and everyone one of us.

The Twelve are called to be, and to be with one another because they are loved. That is what breaks them out of their self absorption and shapes them into a band of brothers. But it took Pentecost for them to finally understand this. Even after the Resurrection  they were locked into their fears, worries, and anxieties. They wouldn't have hid behind closed doors otherwise. It takes an explosion of the Spirit to make us see that God's love  for us cannot be reduced to an ego possession.

 Obviously Christ's love is is not exclusive nor closed. We are to live our relationship with the Lord in communion with others who have been called and made a decision to follow. Liberation come from the communion.The  very call to exist is a call to relate to others in love. Our existence is meant to be friendship, companionship, and fellowship in the Church as a priestly people. Intellectual knowledge of that wondrous truth is never enough. It has to be Biblical knowing, verification by lived experience. Only the Spirit of Love  can make us capable of that. 

Peter and John's love for Christ.

John 13:8 Peter said to him, "You shall never wash my feet!"

In this posting,  we are going to bounce back and forth from John to Peter, from Peter to John, seeing them both through the eyes of Thomas Aquinas in his Commentary on St. John's Gospel. There Thomas meditates on their relationship to Christ, and Christ's relationship to them. Feel free to add your own responses to Aquinas', just as I do , in italics, with mine. See what the reading tells you about Peter and John, about Aquinas, and about you and me.

Peter

1753 If you ask why Peter was the first to object, Origen replies that this was due to the intense love Peter had for Christ.The other disciples had a certain respectful awe and fear of Christ, and so complied without question to everything he did. But Peter, more aflame with love... and taking confidence from this love, refuses to comply and asks to know why: "A true friend will act as your equal and assume authority in your household." [Sirach 6:11] This is why in Scripture Peter often asks for explanations and does not hesitate to say what he thinks best. He thinks his friendship gives him a right to speak up!

1758 Peter says, You shall never wash my feet! He is saying in effect: By no means will I submit to this from my Teacher, my Lord and my God!  And although Peter said this out of zeal, it was an imprudent and disordered  zeal...His zeal was disordered for three reasons. He refused something that was beneficial and necessary...it seemed to indicate a certain disrespect for Christ by wanting to go against his plans. Finally it seemed to disparage his companions in that the others, according to Origen, yielded to Christ without an argument...Peter thinks he knows better than everybody else, even Christ! Sure, I can identify with that!

1761 Peter's words indicate his intense love for Christ. as well as an intense thick head. Before, when our Lord said to him, What I am doing you do not know now, he had intimated that it would be useful; yet Peter paid no attention to this, He doesn't listen, or he listens to the words, but doesn't let their meaning sink in  and could not be persuaded to have his feet washed. But when Our Lord warned him it would mean they would no longer be together, saying, you have no part in me, Peter offered more than just his feet, saying, Lord not my feet only, but also my hands and my head! For Peter was frightened by this answer and affected by love and fear, he offered all of himself for washing. Clement tells us in his Itinerary that Peter was so touched by the physical presence of Christ, whom he loved so intensely, that after the Ascension, when he recalled the sweetness of Christ's presence, he wept so much that his cheeks appeared to be furrowed. Nah, Clement is stretching too far to reach that conclusion. Maybe after Pentecost Peter would have felt that way, but not after the Ascension.

John

1804 John here mentions three things about himself. First, the love he had for Christ as he rested on him...Secondly he intimates his knowledge of mysteries, which were made known to him by Christ, and especially for the writing of this Gospel...Thirdly he mentions the special love Christ had for him, saying, whom Jesus loved, not exclusively but in a way above the others...I bet some of the other guys were jealous, even envious, of John's relationship. Oddly, Peter isn't.

For the present it is enough to say that John was more loved by Christ for three reasons.  First, because of the cleanliness of his purity: for he was a virgin when chose by he Lord, and always remained so: "He who loves purity of heart, and whose speech is gracious, will have the king as a friend." Secondly because of the depths of his wisdom, for he saw further into the secrets of God than others; and so he is compared to an eagle...Thirdly because of the great intensity of his love for Christ:"I love those who love me"( Prv 8:17) 

Peter

1805  Then when he says, so Simon Peter beckoned to him John mentions what led him to question Christ. ...

1806 Since everywhere in the Gospels, Peter is always presented as bold and as the first to speak out because of his fervent love, why is he now keeping silent? It does seem out of character. All of a sudden he is being discreet? Chrysostom gives three reasons for this. One is that Peter had just been reprimanded by our Lord for not allowing him to was his feet...As a result, he preferred not to bother our Lord just now. After getting slapped down, he figured he should keep his mouth shut. Another reason is that Peter did not want our Lord to reveal this openly so that others could hear it. I doubt it. Peter wouldn't give a damn about who heard what. Peter's just smart enough to recognize John's special relationship to Christ and figures he can take advantage of it. Wonder if he realizes that Christ knows what he is doing? The third reason is mystical. John signifies the contemplative life, and Peter the active life. Yes! Bingo! Beautiful! John is mysticism, contemplative knowledge through co-natural love. Peter is action, a working knowledge that lives out the knowing in active doing. This fits in perfect with Von Speyr's vision of Peter and John, Peter representing hierarchy and John representing love.

1817  A question arises here. Since Our Lord had indicated to John who the traitor was, saying it is he to whom I shall give this bread when I have dipped it, and then gave it to Judas, the disciples seem to have been exceedingly dull yeah, huhuhuhuh, ya think?! not to have understood what he just said. I answer that Our Lord said this privately to John in order not to reveal the betrayer. The reason for this being that Peter loved Christ so fiercely that had he been certain that Judas was about to betray him, he would have quickly killed him.

1818 Since John himself was one of those at the dinner, why did he say: no one at the table knew why he said this to him? Yes.., true...everyone else there would have heard. Maybe Christ whispered this to him, or said it sotto voce, so no one else could hear? Jesus tells at least John what is happening, but why tell even him? Why not say it is none of his business? I answer that it is usual for one who is good and without evil to believe that others also are without evil. Geez, Aquinas must be pretty good and without evil to think that way. I would never have come up with that conclusion. Now John was extremely good and never consider becoming a betrayer.  Thus he never suspected that another disciple would commit such a great crime. Hah! I would have started suspecting everybody, maybe  even accusing them, to divert attention away from myself.

Commentary on the Gospel of John, Thomas Aquinas

http://dhspriory.org/thomas/John 13.htm

The Masculine Love of John for Christ

John 13: 23 One of his disciples lay on Jesus' breast, the one whom Jesus loved.

John "places himself in a completely different relationship to the Lord from that of the other disciples. The others are still wholly caught up in themselves, enclosed in their own spheres...John, on the contrary,  rests on Jesus' breast....He knows only one thing and it fills his whole soul: the Lord loves him, and he lets himself be loved by the Lord. That is the single content of his life; that is his office.

...the hierarchical Church, for which the sacraments were instituted, and which is their steward, does not exclude the Church of love. with its immediate contact between loving souls and the Lord. 

    Why does the Lord permit this uttermost sign of  love: resting on his breast? Is it because he himself is man? Or is it because John is a lover? Both reasons are valid.  The Lord is a human, and every human being needs tangible love.

...But neither the Lord's love nor John's love has a purpose at this moment. although the purposes of love are fulfilled, love rests entirely in itself, having its own meaning in itself. John symbolizes love  as Peter does office. Both were called from the very beginning. Since then, Peter has been singled out in many respects. but here John is clearly given preference. It shows that such love for the Lord really exists, and that it takes this form. This is made evident to all, without the others feeling set aside. For John embodies the love of all. He is love becoming visible. One sees in him what love is. The Lord condescends to this form of loves' expression so that the others will recognize love in it.

Here John is at the same time the first priest, and as such an incitement to love. He shows that the priestly office, far from excluding the office of love, rather has love as its center. As long as a priest does not venture to lay his head on the Lord's breast, his love is not yet completely given. What John, the model, does, is perfect self-giving in love, resting in love, in a love that is not continually doing and demanding, but ultimately simply love, and rests in love.

John also represents masculine love without the slightest trace of disorder; the love between men who share the same orientation in their work and tasks, looking in the same direction, but then turning at times to each other and resting with each other, beyond office and work. The Lord wants us to seek and see not only restless intensification in love; he wants us to find the fulfillment of love as well. We should allow ourselves this time of fulfillment and not distort the growth and the always-more of Christian life into a kind of athletic achievement.  This generosity, which gives itself time and takes a break, is likewise masculine.

John: The Farewell Discourses Adrienne Von Speyr Vol. III pp. 47, 48    Ignatius Press

Threesome: Caught in Christ's Net

“Getting into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, he asked him to put out a short distance from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat.” Luke 5:3

James:  Peter, what were you thinking when you saw Jesus get into your boat?

Peter: I don’t remember. I was busy with the nets, just like you. I wasn’t thinking about him at all.

James: That’s my point! There you are, getting the nets in order with the rest of us, and he comes along. So you drop everything to attend to him. Didn’t that bother you?

Peter: Like I said, I never thought about it. Why are you bothering me? You do what he tells you to do just like I do. Why ask me about him? 

John. Don’t get mad, Peter. James is not attacking you. We’re trying to figure out our answer to that same question:  why do we do what he wants, just like you do?

Peter: I’m not mad.  Well, maybe I am. I’m mad at… at the question, because, well, I don’t know the answer. Believe me, I’ve thought about it.

James: You have?

Peter: Of course. There were other boats along the shore, and other guys cleaning and fixing their nets. He had a nodding acquaintance with all of them, so why pick me? He knew me, but he didn’t know me any better than he knew anyone else.

John: So, think about it: first he gets into your boat, and then he asks you to move him back from the shore a little so he can talk to everyone.  Did that irritate you?

Peter: Yes! Yes it did. I remember thinking that he was trying to push me around and act like my boss. I felt like telling him I was busy, and he could row himself out a little if he wanted.

James:  So, why didn’t you? In fact, why didn’t you tell him to get out of your boat, or tell him he had no right to get in it to begin with?

Peter: My mouth couldn’t say those words to him! I suppose I would have said that to anyone else who tried to take over my boat and use it, but no, I didn’t dare do that with him.John: Why not?

Peter: I don’t know. Maybe it was the way he spoke to me and looked at me. I mean, he was in the boat already. And he was polite enough in asking me to move him offshore a little. It didn’t sound like he was being demanding or anything like that. In fact, if I had said to him, ‘Do it yourself’, or ‘Hey, find another boat’, I think he would have done that.

John: Another thing, in addition to talking to you: you said it was the way he looked at you. How did he look at you?

Peter:  With those eyes that see right through you. Know what I mean? 

John: Oh yes. What did you feel when he was looking at you?

Peter: I don’t know. It… made me feel uncomfortable but…it felt good too. I didn’t feel afraid. In fact, I felt like he was doing me a favor by asking me to get in the boat with him. Isn’t that weird? Why should I feel like that? I wouldn’t have felt that way with one of you instead of him.

James: We know what you mean. His eyes are like everyone else’s, but the way they see into you is so different, right? It’s indescribable. I mean, the effect he has when he looks us in the eye, there’s no way to explain that, right John?

John (nodding): That’s why we were asking you about it, Peter, to see if you noticed it too.

Peter: Yes, I noticed it. I just don’t like to talk about it!

James:  Why not? John and I talk about him all the time.

Peter: Well, Andrew and I discuss it sometimes too.

James: John says he can see into our souls.

John: And his looking into us is penetrating, right? But it doesn’t feel like an invasion. He’s not trying to intimidate us or show us he is he is more powerful than we are.  His looking is a caring.

Peter:  I know, I know. But I don’t like it. 

John: Why?

Peter: I’m not sure. I guess his look makes me feel like running away and hiding. When he is looking into me and through me, I feel like I don’t measure up. I just want to get away from him. 

John: But once you let him look in, you are hooked right?

Peter: I guess! The more I think about it the less I understand it. I can’t refuse him anything, even when I want to tell him to leave me alone and let me be! You know what I thought when he told me ‘to put out into deep water’? I thought I should never have let you into the boat.

James: That’s funny! Even though you were still at the shore, you were in deep water as soon as you started dealing with him! Hah! 

Peter: Don’t laugh! You’re over your head when you’re dealing with him too.

John:  We’re not laughing at you, we’re laughing with you!  You’re right! The same thing happens to us! We’re over our heads in deep water even when we stand with him on land! It’s normal. Look, it also happened a second time to you right after the first.

Peter: Huh? How?

John:  Well, when he asks you to push off shore a little so he can talk to everyone, your first impulse is to say no, but you say yes. Next he tells you to set out for deeper waters to fish, and you want to say no, and you even tell him that you have been fishing all night, but in the end you go and do it anyway!

Peter:  You’re right. I don’t know why I let him take me over like that.  It does work out for the better for me when I do, but I still don’t like it. 

James: It’s weird, isn’t it? Why do we feel that way, even when we are better off for it?

John: I think it is because our pride is hurt, and because it shows we are not independent and in control, even though we think we are. 

Peter:  I think that’s right. It hurts my pride to see how superior he is. But there is something more that I am starting to see.

James: What’s that?

Peter: How I felt after I pulled in all those fish.  I felt a rush of different things. I was thrilled, surprised, ashamed, confused, I wanted to jump out of the boat and swim away, and at the same time I wanted to fall at his feet and ask him to forgive me.  I wanted to disappear so I wouldn’t have to face him again, and I wanted him to hug me and tell me he wasn’t mad at me. And you know what? He knew all that was going on in me.  He looked at me and said: Don’t be afraid. I felt there was nothing I could hide from him, and suddenly it didn’t matter, because I didn’t need to hide anything anymore.

John laughing: We’re all in the same boat! His, not ours!

The Threesome

 Part One: The Call

“And Jesus took Peter, James and John…” (Matthew 17:1)

Peter, James and John, stood out among the Twelve, because Christ called them to accompany Him at various times but left the other nine behind.   Because of that special blessing, I imagine Peter, James and John fell into the habit of getting together as a threesome and talking about Christ with one another. This meditation, the first of a series, is an attempt to enter into their conversations and see Christ as they were seeing Him, or better yet, as they were learning how to see Him, through talking about Him with one another.  It is not possible to associate all their conversations with specific events, places, and circumstances, in their common life with Christ. Nor, to express their insights and feelings as   experienced and expressed by them.  But since Truth emerges fresh and new in dialogue among friends, these conversations may help us to come in contact with the mysterious person of Christ who so captivated them. I invite you to listen to them, and enter into the dialogue with three witnesses who knew Him better than we do.

Peter: Do you two ever think about the day He called you? (James and John nod affirmatively.) So what do think about? What do you remember?

John: Well, I try to understand why I said yes. I mean, I don’t think I said “yes” in words, just said it by doing it. I still don’t know how to put it all into words. I’m sure I would not have left everything and followed anybody else who told me to follow him.

 James:  I began to follow Him because you did. I thought He would be a good teacher. He seemed wise, friendly, and honest to me, but I had no idea what He was like. I didn’t really understand what I was getting into. I don’t know when it dawned on me that this was going to on and on for the rest of my life. I’m sure I could walk away tomorrow if I decided to, and He wouldn’t stop me, but I know He wouldn’t want me to,  and I guess my point is, I don’t want to either.

John: So Peter, why did you decide to follow Him?

Peter: I don’t know all my reasons. I do remember that one of them was to protect Andrew.  Remember, Andrew brought me to Him. Andrew isn’t the best judge of people, and I wasn’t sure he wasn’t getting into trouble. Another reason was that I was curious. I wanted to see who this Jesus was that had impressed him.

 John: So why did you stay, instead of leaving and taking Andrew with you?

Peter: I’m not sure I can explain it.  I liked fishing, I enjoyed the work, not just catching the fish, but the selling too, talking to people from here and there, haggling with them over the price,  giving in a little, but getting them to agree with my price in the end. It was a good life. Sometimes I miss it. But not enough to leave this.

James: But that still doesn’t tell us why you said yes to His call in the first place. 

Peter: The best I can do is put it this way: I had a sense that He knew me better than I realized, that He saw through me. It was scary. I don’t know why I felt that way but I did.  Anyway, that was the feeling I had when He said He wanted to make me a “fisher of men”. It was as if He had my whole life worked and it was up to me if I wanted to say yes to it.  

James:  Gee, that would have been enough to shake me up and scare me off.  If I felt he saw through me the first time I was with him, and He had plans for my whole life, I would have said no to Him then and there.

John: Yes, but now you wouldn’t, because now you know you can trust Him, even though you don’t always understand Him.  As for me, I think I had lots of reasons why I said yes to his call, more reasons than I understand, but I think the basic reason back then was I felt a connection between us, a contact, that was deep inside my guts. I knew I liked Him, but his pull on me was deeper than any feeling that attracted me to Him.  I don’t know, I felt like He was already connected to me even though we had never spoken before. I guess I am saying I felt He already knew me better than I knew myself, and that connection made me say yes to Him.

Peter:  Keep talking. I think you are on to something.

John: No. I’ve thought about this a lot, and that’s the best I can do for now. But another thing I think about is why did He choose all of us? There are plenty of men out there He could have called. He seems to love everybody.  So why call us twelve instead of twelve others, and why stop at twelve?

(James and Peter both shrug and indicate they have no idea)

 John:  But He knows. He knows why he chose us three, and the others. And why He wants only twelve of us instead of ten or fifteen. Somehow He’s on top of what is happening.  He doesn’t force things, but He is in charge.  I think any of us could have said no to Him.  We still could. We could walk off tomorrow if we wanted to and He wouldn’t stop us. But somehow I think He knows we won’t.

Peter. Yeah, I think you are right about that.  I don’t think any of us want to leave. What I don’t get is why He doesn’t get fed up with us and send us away. 

John (delighted): That’s right, Peter!  Exactly!  If I were Him I would have gotten tired of the bunch of us by now.  But, that’s not His way.  Another thing I can’t understand, why does He pay more attention to the three of us than the other nine?  It’s not like we are better people. He’s as patient with them as He is with us. He corrects all of us all the time and isn’t worried about our feelings or reactions.  He is not afraid to come down hard on us. Yet He doesn’t do it to embarrass or humiliate any of us when He does it. He treats us all the same, in that sense. It’s like He expects us to act like idiots and never gets tired of us anyway.

James: That’s true. But He also treats each of a little differently. Like He knows what is going on in each one, what we are feeling and thinking, and always is considerate of us.

Peter: But why does He take us three with Him, and leave the others behind? I don’t get that at all. I mean, I love it, but I don’t understand it.

John: I’m not sure, but I think there is less to it, and also more to it, than we think.

Peter: What do you mean?

 John: Well, the easy answer is this: We three are the most difficult to deal with of everybody there. James and I are the most emotional, and have the most explosive tempers. You, Peter, are the most thick-headed and stubborn. You are also very impulsive and rash. So I think He is doing the group a favor by not always leaving us with them when He has something to do. I also think in some crazy way we three are the hardest nuts for Him to crack, if you get what I mean. And so He is doing us a favor by taking us with Him, because He knows we need more of His attention.

James: I never thought of that. But when I hear you say it, it rings true.

 Peter: Yes. It does. And you know, there is probably another reason too. I bet He knows that in order for the group to be able to work together, He has to be able to get us three to work together.  If He can do that with us, the others will fall into line.

 John. You may be right. With Him I think there is always more to everything He says and does than we can take in at any one time, because there is more to Him all the time.  

Peter:  James, why you stay instead of leaving?

 James: I never thought about that before. I suppose it is because even though this is the hardest thing I have ever done, it is also the most exciting.  No, exciting isn’t what I mean. Sometimes it is exciting and sometimes it is frustrating, but it is never boring. That’s it. That’s what I want to say. When I am around Him, when I pay attention to Him, I feel more alive as a result.  He makes life into an adventure. Before, without Him, it got boring.