The Homosexual Seminarian or Priest

The following reflection on homosexuality in the priesthood springs from my musings  on Pope Benedict's statement about that topic. For the full quotation see the blog entry for March 1, 2013

Priesthood and homosexuality are "incompatible" says Pope Benedict. The reason he offers is that there is no renunciation, no sacrifice. The homosexual priest is not giving up marriage, "offering it up"or "sacrificing" it, since he would not want to get married anyway. He would 1) not want to father a child, 2) not be interested in the ongoing burden of fatherhood, 3) not be motivated to embrace a lifelong marriage to one woman, 4) nor look forward to a life that included a wife and a family.  A heterosexual priest would be sacrificing all of that.  The homosexual priest would not. So why should he want to be a priest, a man whom all call "father?" 

 

Perhaps one reason is so that "magically" by means of the the sacrament of Holy Orders, he can supernaturally assume a fatherhood he does not naturally experience? He experiences a lack, an absence, which he will not admit to himself as a negative,  and uses  Holy Orders as the means to somehow turn it into a positive? If so, it doesn't happen. He doesn't somehow because of ordination desire to father the way a heterosexual would. 

The maxim states: "Grace builds on nature". If nature is defective, the grace of Holy Orders doesn't repair the defect, it just builds on the flawed foundation. Yes, the homosexual priest will validly consecrate, validly give absolution, validly forgive sins and baptize, etc. because Christ works through the sacraments, but the homosexual priest won't experience himself fathering the way a heterosexual priest would. 

Presumably the homosexual would, as a priest, experience even more sexual desire for men because the brotherhood of the priesthood is masculine and the masculine is what attracts him. To start with, the sexual tension of the seminary would be tantalizing. Perhaps that very thing would attract him to the priesthood. I suppose being around men who did not know he was "turned on" by them  would increase his excitement? 

Suppose I was a seminarian and thought I was gay, because I experienced same sex attraction without acting it out. Would I have the humility and courage to discuss the matter with my spiritual director? Or instead of addressing the issue, would I be tempted to ignore it, deny it, and continue on with my studies? After all, I have invested a lot of time and effort in my studies. It wouldn't be too hard for me to rationalize the situation. What would I tell myself? One obvious fact I could point to is: there are certainly a good number of homosexual and gay priests out there already. If they can do it, why can't I? That would probably be enough to convince me to bury the problem, or not even acknowledge it as a problem. Now that homosexuality has been normalized in American life, what's the problem? The challenge becomes hiding my orientation and getting myself ordained. After ordination, it won't be too hard to fit myself in with brothers who understand me.

 Of course, there are plenty of other rationalizations I can employ as well. I can see that many men father physically without fathering spiritually. They engender kids but don't raise them. I also can see that it is possible to father spiritually, without fathering physically. Many priests, teachers,  coaches, uncles, grandfathers, etc. end up fathering kids who haven't experienced the closeness of their natural father. So, as a seminarian experiencing same sex attraction, I tell myself "I can father spiritually even though I have no desire to father physically. After I get ordained, all I have to do is carefully say the right things and mouth the correct pious platitudes. Of course, because I believe my rationalization, it doesn't dawn on me that "saying the right things" and mouthing the correct pious platitudes" won't work. It won't work because my heart won't be in it.  It will be just some more boring preaching that puts people to sleep. Or more drivel that entertains people and makes them feel good  by telling them what they want to hear.

If I am hiding my same sex orientation instead of dealing with the issue, I am not going to receive the spiritual fathering that  I need because I won't be open to it. I won't be aware that I lack that manliness, because its absence starts to feels natural. In today's culture,  since gay is being mainstreamed and legalized to include even marriage, I can tell myself that it is only a matter of time till the Church changes its teaching and accepts gay marriage and gay priesthood as perfectly okay. In fact, becoming a homosexual or gay  priest is my right as a human being. Therefore I can proceed full steam ahead to ordination. Once a priest, I can do my part to strike a blow for full equality of my gay brothers! Goodness, there is nothing we can't convince ourselves of if we really try. 

Of course, I am a product of my times, so I can't be sure that my attempt to imagine how a seminarian with same sex attraction would act in today's world is accurate. Back in my seminary days I suppose my rationalization for getting ordained would have been that priesthood was an easy way to escape being bothered by single women,  to avoid explaining why I was still single, or why  I didn't have a girlfriend. 

That's certainly not the motivation today!