MC. Hmmmm, I can see that. Tell me, why do you come when I am asleep?
V. Because your defenses are down, and it is easier to get through to you. During your dreams I have a chance to help you see things a different way and grow in self -knowledge.
MC. Really? I think I am a sensitive, open-minded person. I'm not closed or defensive.
V.True enough in your dreams, perhaps! But awake? No. When awake you are open, only so long as nothing pulls you out of your Comfort Zone. Take, for example, how much you embody a spectator mentality. It has become your way of life.
MC. What do you mean by that? What's a 'spectator mentality'?
V. Your attitude of looking, checking something out, being entertained or amused or turned off by it, but not getting personally involved. For example, a man says he want to go out and “scope” some girls. Or, a woman wants to “scope” some guys. Scoping is done with mild interest or curiosity, but personal detachment. Even sexual activity does not mean involvement or commitment. That's the spectator mentality you have. You see relationships as useful and convenient, or as useless and therefore inconvenient. It's a utilitarian approach to life . Love does not come into the picture. Nor does friendship.
MC. That seems like common sense to me. It's safer to make acquaintances, not friends. You save yourself a lot of grief.
V. That's one way a person who has a spectator mentality justifies it to himself. But he actually doesn't save himself grief. By confining yourself to the immediate false comfort a spectator mentality gives you, you only insure yourself the loneliness, emptiness and grief that you are trying to avoid! In the long run a distant or detached life ends up being a superficial and empty.
MC. Tell me, this Comfort Zone and spectator mentality you talk about, are they one and the same thing?
V. No. Comfort Zone is a general category. Spectator mentality is a specific application. Comfort Zone refers to the parameters within which you operate without getting stressed or strung out. Your personal parameters begin broad but get narrow in.
MC. How can parameters be broad but narrow too?
V.Broad in the sense of covering everything superficially, narrow in the sense that any relationship which demands depth gets excluded. In your case, you look to see what you can get, or what's in it for you, instead of really being open to all a personal relationship can offer. And you check yourself out as you are doing that.You pride yourself on being superior and knowledgeable in relating to others in order to hide that you are actually afraid. So you end up being controlling, utilitarian and self indulgent You're trying to get without giving. That's your spectator mentality.
MC. That's a serious charge! Got any proof of what you're saying?
V. Sure. You were at the gym today, remember? After you left the exercise bike and were walking to the weight room, do you recall the young woman walking in front of you?
MC. Of course! I had a nice flirtation going. It was fun.
V. Think back to what happened: you were a few steps behind the woman, staring at her buttocks and her walk, when suddenly she turned around and said to you, 'Like what you see?' Do you remember that?
MC. Yes I do. That's how our conversation got started. I was surprised that she spoke up like that, and I started laughing.
V. Do you remember why she turned around? Why didn't she keep walking forward in the direction she was going ?
MC. She had forgotten something, her keys, and had suddenly remembered she left them at the exercise machine.
V. Right. That's what she told you as you laughed and started to walk back with her. But, more important than the keys was her question if you 'liked what you saw'.
MC. Why is that important? She just wanted to know if I found her figure attractive.
V. No. She could already see that by the way she caught you staring at her backside. She asked her question to see if you would be embarrassed to admit it
MC. Oh. I didn't catch that.
V. No you didn't, because you weren't embarrassed, just a little bit surprised because you hadn't expected her to turn around like that.
MC. So what? What does it matter? Don't guys stare at women's bodies all the time?
V. Yes, but some men see more than a body.They see a person. How you stare is what makes the difference. A look can be based on attraction or calculation. Attraction is a spark of interest that opens doors. Cold calculation keeps doors firmly shut. Think of a man at the deli counter in a supermarket looking at pork chops and chicken breasts. He's deciding which piece of meat he will take home to eat. That's calculation aiming to satisfy its hunger. Attraction goes beyond physical hunger and thinks "I would like to get to know this person."
MC. I know all that stuff! It is the difference between love and lust. Attraction can grow into love but lust doesn't grow into anything except a self consuming appetite.
V. Of course you know that. You know it theoretically, but not existentially. The distinction is in your head as a concept, but in real life your look is that of a hungry wolf. That's why the woman in the gym chatted with you but declined to go and have a cup of coffee. She sensed what you were interested in.
MC. That's nonsense. A glance doesn't reveal that much!
V. The glance, the laugh, the charming chit chat about nothing, all that told her you are not able to be yourself, to let other people into your mind and heart, and that you have no interest in getting into their minds and hearts. All that gave her the message that you were playing her, playing with her, not engaging in a conversation at a genuine human level. That's why she walked away from you after she picked up her keys.
MC.I don't agree with you. You're making too much of a casual encounter.
V. You're waking up.That's enough conversation for now. I can see I'm hitting a tender spot. Don't worry, when you awaken, you'll be able to brush all this away.
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