“Getting into one of
the boats, the one belonging to Simon, he asked him to put out a short distance
from the shore. Then he sat down and taught the crowds from the boat.” Luke 5:3
James: Peter, what
were you thinking when you saw Jesus get into your boat?
Peter: I don’t remember. I was busy with the nets, just like
you. I wasn’t thinking about him at all.
James: That’s my point! There you are, getting the nets in
order with the rest of us, and he comes along. So you drop everything to attend
to him. Didn’t that bother you?
Peter: Like I said, I never thought about it. Why are you
bothering me? You do what he tells
you to do just like I do. Why ask me about him?
John. Don’t get mad,
Peter. James is not attacking you. We’re trying to figure out our answer to
that same question: why do we do what he wants, just like you do?
Peter: I’m not mad. Well, maybe I am. I’m mad at… at the question,
because, well, I don’t know the answer. Believe me, I’ve thought about it.
James: You have?
Peter: Of course. There were other boats along the shore,
and other guys cleaning and fixing their nets. He had a nodding acquaintance
with all of them, so why pick me? He knew me, but he didn’t know me any better
than he knew anyone else.
John: So, think about it: first he gets into your boat, and then he asks you to move him back from the shore a little so he can
talk to everyone. Did that irritate you?
Peter: Yes! Yes it did. I remember thinking that he was
trying to push me around and act like my boss. I felt like telling him I was
busy, and he could row himself out a little if he wanted.
James: So, why didn’t
you? In fact, why didn’t you tell him to get out of your boat, or tell him he
had no right to get in it to begin with?
Peter: My mouth couldn’t say those words to him! I suppose I
would have said that to anyone else who tried to take over my boat and use it,
but no, I didn’t dare do that with him.John: Why not?
Peter: I don’t know. Maybe it was the way he spoke to me and looked at me. I mean, he was in the boat
already. And he was polite enough in asking
me to move him offshore a little. It didn’t sound like he was being demanding
or anything like that. In fact, if I had
said to him, ‘Do it yourself’, or ‘Hey, find another boat’, I think he would
have done that.
John: Another thing, in addition to talking to you: you said
it was the way he looked at you. How did he look at you?
Peter: With those
eyes that see right through you. Know what I mean?
John: Oh yes. What did you feel when he was looking at you?
Peter: I don’t know. It… made me feel uncomfortable but…it
felt good too. I didn’t feel afraid. In fact, I felt like he was doing me a
favor by asking me to get in the boat
with him. Isn’t that weird? Why should I feel like that? I wouldn’t have felt
that way with one of you instead of him.
James: We know what you mean. His eyes are like everyone else’s, but the way they see into you is so different, right? It’s indescribable.
I mean, the effect he has when he looks us in the eye, there’s no way to
explain that, right John?
John (nodding): That’s why we were asking you about it,
Peter, to see if you noticed it too.
Peter: Yes, I noticed it. I just don’t like to talk about
it!
James: Why not? John
and I talk about him all the time.
Peter: Well, Andrew and I discuss it sometimes too.
James: John says he can see into our souls.
John: And his looking into us is penetrating, right? But it
doesn’t feel like an invasion. He’s not trying to intimidate us or show us he
is he is more powerful than we are. His
looking is a caring.
Peter: I know, I
know. But I don’t like it.
John: Why?
Peter: I’m not sure. I guess his look makes me feel like
running away and hiding. When he is looking into me and through me, I feel like
I don’t measure up. I just want to get away from him.
John: But once you
let him look in, you are hooked right?
Peter: I guess! The more I think about it the less I
understand it. I can’t refuse him anything, even when I want to tell him to
leave me alone and let me be! You know what I thought when he told me ‘to put
out into deep water’? I thought I should
never have let you into the boat.
James: That’s funny! Even though you were still at the
shore, you were in deep water as soon as you started dealing with him! Hah!
Peter: Don’t laugh! You’re
over your head when you’re dealing with him too.
John: We’re not
laughing at you, we’re laughing with you! You’re right! The same thing happens to us!
We’re over our heads in deep water even when we stand with him on land! It’s
normal. Look, it also happened a second time to you right after the first.
Peter: Huh? How?
John: Well, when he
asks you to push off shore a little so he can talk to everyone, your first
impulse is to say no, but you say yes. Next he tells you to set out for deeper waters to fish, and you want to say no, and
you even tell him that you have been fishing all night, but in the end you go
and do it anyway!
Peter: You’re right.
I don’t know why I let him take me over like that. It does work out for the better for me when I
do, but I still don’t like it.
James: It’s weird, isn’t it? Why do we feel that way, even
when we are better off for it?
John: I think it is because our pride is hurt, and because
it shows we are not independent and in control, even though we think we are.
Peter: I think that’s
right. It hurts my pride to see how superior he is. But there is something more
that I am starting to see.
James: What’s that?
Peter: How I felt after I pulled in all those fish. I felt a rush of different things. I was
thrilled, surprised, ashamed, confused, I wanted to jump out of the boat and
swim away, and at the same time I wanted to fall at his feet and ask him to
forgive me. I wanted to disappear so I
wouldn’t have to face him again, and I wanted him to hug me and tell me he
wasn’t mad at me. And you know what? He knew all that was going on in me. He looked at me and said: Don’t be afraid. I felt there was
nothing I could hide from him, and
suddenly it didn’t matter, because I didn’t need
to hide anything anymore.
John laughing:
We’re all in the same boat! His, not ours!
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